Lessons from a Recovering Perfectionist

Perfectionism is an elusive, unobtainable state which exists only in the imagination. If we were to get a group of people together in a room and ask them to describe a picture of a perfect life, each person would produce a different picture. Some people might struggle to define what perfect even looks like. So why do we hold ourselves up to an undefinable and unachievable standard?

Likely, each person has a slightly different motivation for seeking perfection. However, for most folks, I would suspect that perfectionism is a defense mechanism or coping skill. Perfectionism could stem from a desire to avoid being vulnerable and to stay safe. While perfectionism can be protective–allowing a sense of control over how we are perceived—it actually serves to distance us from others. In fact, when we are able to be vulnerable and human with others, there are more opportunities for connection.

While perfectionism does not often serve us in the long run, it is important to remember that any defense mechanism or coping skill comes from somewhere. At some point in our lives, often in childhood, reaching for perfectionism may have been the optimal behavior that served us very well in that time. Even as we grow and realize perfectionism may no longer be necessary, it doesn’t help to admonish ourselves for engaging in perfectionism. Instead, it can be helpful to get curious and learn more about ourselves and our perfectionism. Dismantling our own attachment to perfection is a process and it’s important to go at our own pace.

As a recovering perfectionist, here are some things I do when I feel perfectionism taking over:

Lead with curiosity

I ask questions to help me better understand my perfectionism. I try to do this in a moment where I can truly be open to learn about myself. These can be good questions to ask yourself when you feel grounded. I ask these questions to my perfectionism itself. I find where it is in my body, where I feel it the most, and ask the part of me that feels a need to be perfect:

Where did you come from?

What is your purpose?

What do you need me to know?

What do you need in order to rest?

Ask yourself if you are willing to try doing something different

I’ve found that change rarely happens because I’ve forced it. Instead, I like to ask myself if I’m willing to just try something different and see if I can have a different experience. Even if it doesn’t work out perfectly, it helps me see that there are other options. Typically, I’m most willing to try something new when I realize the benefits of my old behavior are no longer outweighing the negative impact. This often happens when I’m in a place in my life where I have enough safety to play with new behaviors.

Change is something we all have permission to engage in slowly. Perhaps there is a place, a time, a person where you feel you can lay down your perfectionism and see what it’s like. It can be a practice that builds slowly over time.

Send your perfectionism gratitude

At this point in the exploration, I’ve learned a great deal more about my perfectionism and other options that are available to me. It is here that I like to approach my perfectionism with gratitude. This helps me to continue letting go of perfectionism and helps me avoid giving myself a hard time if/when I feel it coming back.

You may find yourself going through this process many times in your life. I know that is how it has been for me. It is the story of learning new ways of being and walking through the world. Our old behaviors are not necessarily inherently bad. Often, they served us well for a time. However, as we grow and evolve as humans, we get an opportunity to ask ourselves: How do I want to walk through the world now?

If you are wanting to understand your perfectionism and work towards a new way of being, I highly encourage working with a therapist to help you in your process. Hypnotherapy, in particular, can be helpful in getting to the root of our behaviors and imagining new behaviors.