Through the Lens of Love: Setting Boundaries
What if saying no is really saying yes? Yes to something else, something that feels truer and more needed? What if saying no is saying yes to joy, love, peace? Even if, in the moment, it feels anything but?
I was a young person when the concept of boundaries first entered my awareness. I don’t remember the book, but I remember reading about boundaries, struggling to really grasp the concept. It was something entirely new to me.
Today, the concept of boundaries has become fairly mainstream, but is still not necessarily well understood and is evolving in how we understand it. While it can on the surface seem to be a simple concept, as with many concepts we use in relationships, it can be quite nuanced. Also, simple does not equate to easy. I hope this post can help clarify boundaries for you and give you a perspective that, perhaps, boundaries are really love wrapped in a sometimes tough-to-deliver package.
What are boundaries?
There are many different ways to understand boundaries. In the simplest terms, boundaries are a yes or no that come from you about a situation. You can visualize a boundary as a permeable container around your body. You can let things in and you can let things out and the boundary determines what is let in and out. Boundaries can take time to establish and are not stagnant. In fact, they will naturally change over time depending on what your life is like and what your needs are. I often think of boundaries as falling into two categories: internal and external.
An internal boundary would be something that you decide within yourself about your own behavior. If you think about it, often our behavior determines what we are letting in or out of our boundary container. For example, I find social media to be a drain on my energy at this time in my life. For this reason, I have made choices about how much social media I will engage in. This is an agreement I make only with myself, that impacts how much social media I let into my container.
Typically, the greatest challenge with internal boundaries is determining what they are. Awareness and willingness to let go of certain behaviors can be difficult and take time. Sometimes we have trouble seeing what is impacting us internally because it’s too close. Also, some of the behaviors have been part of how we have behaved nearly our entire lives. It’s important to be patient and kind to ourselves when we try to change our internal boundaries.
External behaviors are also largely about your own behavior, but typically have more to do with another entity that is actively wanting to engage with you. This could be a person, a system, organization, etc. For example, I often get unsolicited texts from different organizations. A simple boundary is that, if I do not want to continue those communications because I do not want them in my container for whatever reason, I can unsubscribe or block those messages.
When I am setting a boundary with another person, it can be much more nuanced and complex. For example, if I have a loved one who wants to call me and speak on the phone for hours, I may need to set a boundary around how much time I will be able to speak with them. Notice that a boundary isn’t telling the other person how long they will speak to me, but rather how much time I will speak to them. When setting boundaries with others, we do not attempt to control their behavior, but rather express what our behavior will be.
There is a lot of nuance when it comes to setting boundaries with others. You might wonder, can I ask someone I care about to do something differently? What if I really need them to behave differently for the relationship to work? Do I have to set an ultimatum? What if my boundary seems to be in direct conflict with another person’s boundary? There are no easy answers to these questions. Boundary setting, especially with humans who we have lots of contact with takes time, honesty, a willingness to communicate openly and respectfully, and much more. Individual, relationship/couples, or family therapy can all be incredibly useful in helping you learn how to navigate these situations.
Okay, so what does this have to do with love?
I want to leave you with something I’m beginning to notice when it comes to boundaries. When we are able to look honestly at ourselves and our boundaries, we are often being truthful about what will make life more fulfilling for us. It is really about learning to live in alignment with ourselves.
In our willingness to share boundaries with others we are being vulnerable humans. We are trusting them enough to say, “This is what is in my heart about how I want my life to be. I want you to be a part of that and here is the way I think it can happen.” Sharing ourselves honestly with another person is an act of love. We are inviting them into our world in a way that may be different from how we’ve interacted before. We are asking for a deeper level of intimacy with them. This means we are willing to be in relationship with them in a way that has the potential to build into even more respect, compassion, and love.
Of course, not every relationship that needs boundaries will be a very intimate one and sometimes boundaries are about deciding someone will no longer be a part of your life. Each situation is different. However, any time we are willing to share our boundaries with others, we are showing our hand a bit. We are showing how we are human and have needs. By looking through the lens of love, we may even be able to communicate our boundaries differently, in a way that shows our respect for ourselves and others.
Please note that entering into boundaries with love assumes an already safe relationship. Abusive and unsafe relationships need to be addressed differently.
